I'm Afraid To Be A Mama...

With picture perfect feeds and so many highlight reels I feel it's so important to remain real always and sometimes talk about the hard stuff. I will be completely honest... it can be SCARY to open up about the stuff that people may not agree with. But what's even harder sometimes is holding it in when words are your outlet and sharing makes you feel a little less alone in this big ol' beautiful world. Today I am sharing something I have felt in my heart for as long as I can remember. It is different and it is scary but it is also something i've felt called to write.


I want to preface post with some important pointers. #1. I LOVE kiddos, like seriously and I am a walking magnet to them. #2. I RESPECT and look up to SO many mamas. I know what a hard job it is and I am in awe of the hard work you do day in and day out. #3. I know I can completely change my mind in a few years- this is just how I feel in this season and I wanted to share and be able to come back too.


As a little girl I loved playing dolls, babies and Barbies. It was in my nature to care and nurture something just like it is for so many little girls. I was a babysitter as soon as I could be and a nanny for many different families. I became an auntie at 13 years old and it was one of the most momentous moments in my life and has been with each one born since. I have three older sisters who are ROCKSTAR mama's and an AMAZING mama of my own. A lot of my close friends are moms and I love seeing them in their current season of life. I can say with certainty that all of these women, from asking them always knew they wanted to be a mom. It was so strong on their hearts and a part of their personal happily ever after and I am so glad to watch it unfold.


"You have time!" "It's selfish to not have kids." "We were born to procreate!" "But what about your husband?" "You'll change your mind!" You guys I have heard literally every single remark as a twenty something not sure about being a mother. I am not afraid to share this just because it's different, but because I have faced the judgement that comes from this feeling of uncertainty. I can't help but think every single time how absolutely crazy I would sound if the roles were reversed and people told those trying- to not! I think asking young couples if they are going to start a family soon is a very deep and heavy question. We are curious by nature as humans and that's probably why you clicked on this post (I'm glad you did)! But with less assuming and more listening/understanding each other's hearts it's easier for us all to love one another instead of judge each other. The world would be so boring if we all were the exact same or shared the exact same lives.


I used to dodge the topic because I was (and am) afraid to admit that I have never KNOWN or genuinely craved motherhood like so many people have said. I always knew I wanted to be an auntie and a small business owner. I knew I wanted to get married more than anything and do life with my best friend. I couldn't wait until I had my very own home and a yard for a dog. (That escalated quickly! HA!) My heart feels SO full and I feel my dreams have finally come true that it scares me to think any of that could change. I am afraid our lives will be different and while I know the reward is far worth it, I've just waited so long to feel the joy I do right now. I love so much where we are and the freedom we have to design our lives and change them whenever we wish. I absolutely love my time with my husband Jacob and I adore the spontaneity our love brings. I am afraid of the change a child may bring.


One thing you may not know about me is that I am DEATHLY afraid of anything medical. From a little blood to your basic physical- I have to mentally prepare myself for years and pray I won't faint. I have put off appointments for years because of the debilitating anxiety that comes along with the doctors office. I know, it sounds so stupid and believe me I wish more than anything that I could get over it already! But the thought of pregnancy and delivering actually keeps me up at night to the point that it is a big factor in how I feel about having children of my own. I know you forget the pain and the reward is far worth anything that could come your way but getting to that is what absolutely terrifies me.


I'm afraid of losing my current "baby" - my business. Call me crazy but I have this fear that once I have a child my business will be placed on the back burner, then burnt and gone for good. It doesn't seem feasible to be a dog sitter in my home, with four dogs of my own and juggling a newborn. I am afraid to let that go just yet especially since so much of my time and hard work has been put into it. I LOVE what a do and I am afraid to lose that part of me just yet.


So, here we are today. My husband is killin' it in his career and I feel like there is nothing more in this life that I need. (Other than more sheep and another Border Collie, hehe). Kids of our own feel further and further away from us the more we talk about it rather than closer. And while we know we still have time it's becoming more real that maybe we are being pulled in a different direction or our story may be designed differently. Then again, I could be holding a baby in a few years and looking back on this post with a smile. You NEVER know what this crazy life can throw your way.


I've learned overtime that so many of our happily ever afters look different from one anothers. So many of these things we feel like we HAVE to do might be because everyone else is doing them. Or maybe because the world tells us who we should be and what steps should be taken. I know one thing for sure- what we REALLY need as women is a little more honesty, a tad more grace and a lot less judgment.

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